Assertive communication: daring to speak your mind
You have something to say. You know exactly what you’re thinking. And yet, you keep it to yourself. Because you don’t want to hurt, because you don’t know how it’s going to be received, or simply because it might not be the right time. Assertive communication is precisely this skill: to say what you think, with respect and clarity, even when it is uncomfortable.
Why don’t we dare to say what we think
Before we talk about solutions, let’s first name the real problem.
The obstacles are real: the fear of hurting someone, the fear of the other’s reaction, the fear of being seen as difficult. However, what I observe most often in coaching is that people do not lack courage. They lack the tools to say things without it going off the rails.
Here are some situations you’ve probably experienced:
- Your boss announces a decision that you don’t agree with.
- A colleague escalates to your boss without telling you first.
- An employee has been exaggerating his breaks for several weeks.
- Someone in your personal life is doing something that bothers you, and you don’t say anything.
In all these cases, silence has a cost. Frustration mounts, the relationship deteriorates. And one day, it comes out, but not in the right way.
We have integrated more the confused and almost constant impression of each person’s guilt in relation to the other than the enlightened sense of responsibility of each one. — Thomas D’Ansembourg
3 conditions for assertive communication that works
Before even opening your mouth, two decisions are necessary. They are simple, but often overlooked.
1. Choose the right environment
Should you have this conversation at your desk, in a closed room, by phone, by email? The answer changes depending on the situation. A difficult conversation with an employee is done in private, never in front of the team. A disagreement with your boss is resolved one-on-one, not in a meeting.
Context directly influences how the message is received. Choosing the wrong environment means leaving with a disability before even saying a word.
2. Choose the right medium
In person is always the first choice for sensitive topics. The tone, the non-verbal, the ability to react in real time — all of that matters. Email can be helpful in confirming what was said, not in initiating a difficult conversation.
3. Apply the 4 basic principles
This is where assertive communication takes on its full meaning: four simple principles, but which change everything:
- Talk about yourself, not about the other. Your sentence begins with I. Not by “you always do” or “you don’t have”.
- Trust the facts. What you observed, not what you interpreted.
- Name what the situation generates in you. Frustration, discomfort, the need to be reassured. It’s not weakness. It’s precision.
- Propose or ask for concrete action. What do you want to happen now?
Assertive communication in practice: concrete examples
Theory is good. Examples are better. Here’s how the 4 principles translate into real-life situations.
Situation 1: Disagreement with a decision of your boss
The spontaneous reaction:
“Boss, I don’t agree with your decision.”
The assertive version:
“Boss, announcing the delivery date of the project in front of the whole group makes me uncomfortable, because I have doubts that it is feasible. I need to understand to help you. Can you explain to me where this decision came from? »
See the difference? The second version names a specific fact, expresses discomfort, and opens a dialogue. It does not confront. On the contrary, it seeks to understand.
Situation 2: A colleague who climbs without warning you
The spontaneous reaction:
“I don’t like it when you talk to my boss about me without telling me.”
The assertive version:
“It’s been three times that my boss has been giving me feedback following a comment from you. I want to have a good relationship with you and at the moment I am uncomfortable. I ask you to tell me first about the situations that are causing you problems. What do you think? »
Same structure: observable fact, impact on me, clear request.
Situation 3: An employee who exaggerates his breaks
The spontaneous reaction:
“You’re exaggerating your breaks.”
The assertive version:
“I notice that in addition to your cigarette breaks, you go to get your lunch earlier and that you browse the Internet several times during the day. I need to offer good service to customers. I ask you to manage your breaks according to the following guidelines: [specify]. »
Result: no judgment, facts, a need, a specific request.
Reflection questions
- Is there a situation in your professional or personal life where you’ve been holding something back for too long?
- What is really holding you back? Fear of reaction, lack of words, or something else?
- If you had to formulate what you want to say by starting with “I”, what would it look like?
What assertive communication is not
One last important thing.
Being assertive is not saying everything in all circumstances. Nor is it a license to disrespect. In fact, aggressiveness disguised as “honesty” is not assertive.
It is therefore choosing to say what matters, at the right time, in the right way. Because the relationship deserves this honesty. And because you deserve to be heard.
If you want to go further on this topic, the article on how to have a difficult conversation more easily will give you additional tools. And if you feel that your team needs to develop these skills, the leadership communication training is designed for exactly that.
FAQ — Assertive Communication
What is assertive communication?
Assertive communication is the ability to express what you think and feel with clarity and respect, without aggressiveness or silence. It is based on facts, the “I”, and a concrete demand.
How can we say things without hurting the other person?
By talking about yourself rather than the other, by relying on what you have observed rather than what you interpret. Expressing the impact on you, rather than judging the person, completely changes the dynamic.
Can you learn assertive communication?
Yes, absolutely. Like any communication skill, it can be learned and practiced. The 4 principles presented in this article are a good place to start. Coaching coaching can also accelerate the development of this skill.
It’s not what you say that defines your leadership. This is what you dare to say, and how you say it.
