Good Boss: What No One Taught You

A good boss is not just a list of qualities. I am convinced of that — and it took me years to understand why. What really makes the difference is what you learn on the pitch, often the hard way, in moments that you hadn’t planned.

Here’s what changed everything for me.

The day I realized I was a bad listener

I had just been appointed to a management position. I was proud, motivated, and convinced that I knew how to do the job well.

An employee came to my office regularly. Each time, while he was talking to me, my brain was analyzing, searching, defining the problem. As soon as he finished, I launched my solution — with pride. That’s what people had always appreciated about me: finding solutions and delivering.

Except that our relationship wasn’t improving. I didn’t understand why.

Someone once said to me, “You just have to listen. This person doesn’t want a solution. She wants to talk to you. »

It stopped me in my tracks.

I never understood that you could have that need — just talking, developing a relationship at work. And I realized, at the same time, that I was doing exactly the same thing with my own boss. The times he offered me a solution, I came out frustrated. Now I understood why.

Being a good boss is about learning to really listen

It’s not a skill that we’re taught. We are taught to solve, to deliver, to perform. Not to be listened to.

However, this is often where everything is played out.

What I learned to do concretely:

• Seek to understand the background of the story — ask questions about the context, rephrase what the other person is saying.
• Focus on understanding, not on solution. Unplug the “problem solving” mode while the other person is talking.
• Name the emotions and values at stake. “I understand that fairness is important to you.” “I see that you have used your good judgment.”

Here is a concrete example. A team leader comes to complain that a colleague is getting all the credit for a file on which he has worked twice as hard. You’re the boss. Which of these two answers creates a better relationship?

Option 1: “Calm down, go talk to your colleague and find a solution.”

Option 2: “You have the courage to come and talk to me about it. I understand that fairness is important to you. What are the options you see from here? »

The second answer does not solve the problem for the employee. It creates a space of trust. And that’s exactly what the role of a good boss is all about.

Reflection questions

• When someone talks to you, are you looking for a solution — or are you trying to understand?
• Have you ever left a conversation with your frustrated boss, not really knowing why?
• What do the people on your team really come looking for when they knock on your door?

A good boss also shares something about himself

There is a trap that many managers fall into, me first.

We think that in a position of authority, you have to look solid, controlled, perfect. That showing one’s flaws is losing ground.

It’s the other way around.

It’s hard to get into a relationship with someone who’s perfect. Your employees know it — you have a life, you have doubts, you have experiences. Not communicating them does not help create a relationship. It creates a distance.

I’m not talking about sharing your private life. I’m talking about being human: sharing a professional experience, finding a common point, opening a real communication channel.

Here’s another example. A project manager starts a project with his or her team and meets with each member individually. Which of these two approaches creates a better relationship?

Option 1: “What are the points you would like to develop on this project?”

Option 2: “In this project, I would like to improve my impact assessment on Department XYZ. For your part, what are the points you would like to develop? »

The second approach says: I’m also learning. We are in this project together. That’s what opening a real channel of communication is all about.

Reflection questions

• Do you share something of yourself with your team — or do you stay strictly in the role?
• Do your employees know you at least as a person, or only as a manager?
• What could you share in your next individual interview to open up a dialogue?

The relationship of trust makes difficult messages possible

There is one thing that I say without hesitation after years in the field.

Difficult messages are a thousand times easier to get across when you have built a channel of trust.

I gave direct feedback, sometimes very difficult, to people who thanked me for it. Not because I had the right words. Because they knew me, I knew them, and we understood our respective roles.

That’s the real skill of a good boss. Not to have all the answers. Not to be perfect. But to have invested in the relationship before the difficult times arrived.

To go further on difficult conversations:

How to have difficult conversations at work

And to develop your empathy on a daily basis:

Empathy, when you don’t want it

What it concretely changes in your team

When you develop these two skills: really listening, and being human. Here’s what’s changing:

• People come to you earlier, before problems explode.
• Your team makes better decisions because they trust you to reframe them if necessary.
• You spend less time managing conflicts — and more time delivering.
• Departures are decreasing. Because people don’t leave companies — they leave their bosses.

To work on your communication in depth — whether you are a field manager or in a technical team:

Training — Communication and Leadership

Training — Communicating like a coach

Reflection questions

• In your team, do people come to you early or only when it’s urgent?
• Have you ever lost a good employee you didn’t see coming?
• What could you change this week in the way you listen?

Being a good boss is something you learn and choose

I thank the faults of the bosses I had. They have contributed to who I have become.

I don’t pretend to be perfect. I’m still learning. Every day. That’s my commitment — as a coach, and as a leader.

Being a manager cannot be learned in a textbook. Mintzberg himself says it: management is learned on the job. But you don’t have to learn alone. Getting support means moving forward faster — and avoiding making your team pay for learning.

It’s not your title that makes you a good boss. That’s how people feel after talking to you.

Frequently asked questions about the right boss

What distinguishes a good boss from a bad boss?

A good boss creates a space where people can talk, make mistakes, and grow. It’s not a question of personality or charisma — it’s a question of developed interpersonal skills: active listening, empathy, and the ability to give direct feedback in a context of trust.

How to become a better boss in concrete terms?

Start by observing your listening style. Are you looking for a solution while the other person is talking — or are you really trying to understand? Changing this habit alone can transform your team’s dynamic in a matter of weeks.

Should a good boss be liked by his team?

Not necessarily liked — but respected and trusted. A good boss can give difficult messages, set clear boundaries, and make unpopular decisions. What matters is that his team knows that he acts with integrity and that he really knows them.

Can you learn to be a good boss?

Yes. It’s a skill, not a fixed personality trait. Empathy, active listening, communication — all of this develops with practice, feedback, and often coaching. The best managers I’ve observed aren’t the ones with the most natural talent. These are the ones who have chosen to learn.