Empathy, when you don’t want it

Empathy with a difficult person doesn’t come naturally. Especially when you have to be around her every day. A colleague who gets on your nerves, a boss with whom it doesn’t click, the brother-in-law you meet at every family dinner. You know what I’m talking about.

For a long time, I struggled with that.

I would get impatient when things weren’t going at my pace. I was reproached for my non-verbal behaviour. I could see that my inability to connect with certain people was causing me problems. But I didn’t know what to do.

And then, I found concrete things. Not grand theories. Things that I applied, tested, and that worked. I share them with you.

Why Empathizing with a Difficult Person Is Worth It

Before the stuff, a clarification.

Being empathetic towards someone you can’t stand is not being fake. This is not to pretend that everything is fine. It is choosing to understand the other person enough for the relationship to become liveable, even productive.

In my experience, strained relationships that are left to drag on always end up costing more than the effort to improve them. In energy, in stress, in results.

So here’s how I do it, even when I don’t feel like it.

Tip 1: Find three things you like about this person

It sounds simple. This is often the hardest thing to do.

When we don’t click with someone, our brain mainly registers what bothers us. The negative is automatically filtered. This thing flips the filter upside down.

How to do it concretely:

• Ask yourself: Is there anything I admire about this person? A quality, a way of doing things? She organizes meetings well, she is polite, she expresses herself clearly, she is always reliable on deadlines.
• Write down the three elements. Not in your head. On paper.
• Keep them visible: in your notebook, on a post-it, in the background. Anywhere you go to see them regularly.

Then observe. Gradually, your attitude changes. Not because the person has changed. Because you look differently.

And for the bravest: tell him. Invite her over for coffee and name what you like. I guarantee you that the relationship will never be the same again.

Reflection questions

• Think of a person with whom it is difficult at the moment. Can you name just one thing you like about her?
• Do you mostly filter out the negative with this person, or do you try to see both sides?
• What would happen if you told him directly what you like?

Tip 2: Understand the other’s world to show empathy

We judge people with our own reality as our only reference. It’s human. And that’s where it gets stuck.

This exercise helps to get out of this bubble. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into four quadrants.

• Work: his position, his responsibilities, the pressures he experiences on a daily basis.
• Home: his family, his personal obligations, what he manages outside of work.
• Past: what you know about his career, his difficulties, what built him.
• Dreams: his goals, his ambitions, what really motivates him.

Give yourself three minutes per quadrant. Write down everything you know. Then read it out loud, with the sincere intention of understanding that person better.

What you’ll notice: There are probably entire areas of his universe that you didn’t know about. And when you have a better understanding of where someone is coming from, it’s much easier to be forgiving.

Reflection questions

• How much do you really know about the daily reality of this person, at work and at home?
• Are there elements of his past or his current pressures that could explain some of his behaviors?
• If you were in his place, how would you behave?

Tip 3: Manage the hot moment in the middle of a difficult interaction

The first two things are worked on cold, outside of interaction. This happens in real time, when the tension rises.

When you feel that the discussion is getting out of hand or that you are about to react, stop for a second and ask yourself these questions internally:

• How does this person feel about what’s going on right now?
• What are their needs in this situation?
• How can I meet his needs without sacrificing my own?

Just asking yourself these questions changes something. The tension decreases. Not because the problem is solved, but because you have regained control of your reaction.

I’ve tested that in really tough situations. Sometimes it takes two seconds. Sometimes it takes a real effort. But it works.

Reflection questions

• In your last difficult interaction, did you react or choose your answer?
• What do you think the other person needed to hear in that moment?
• What did you want as an outcome to this discussion?

Empathy with a difficult person also changes your daily life as a manager

These tips don’t just apply to personal relationships. In management, they make a concrete difference.

A manager who understands the world of his employees makes better decisions. It defuses conflicts before they explode. It gives feedback that people receive, rather than rejecting.

To go further on the manager-employee relationship:

Good Boss: What No One Taught You

And if you want to work on your difficult conversations in a structured way:

How to have difficult conversations without negative consequences

To develop your communication and conflict management skills:

Training — Developing Essential Communication Skills

Training — Communicating in Difficult Situations and Conflict Management

Empathy can be learned. Even when you don’t feel like it.

I’m not a naturally patient person. I had to work on that.

And what I discovered is that empathy is not a quality that you have or that you don’t have. It’s a skill. It develops with practice, one thing at a time.

The smallest gesture counts. Stopping mentally when a discussion gets heated. To look for a quality in someone you can’t stand. Take two minutes to understand the reality of the other person before reacting.

It’s not weakness. It’s leadership.

Empathy doesn’t require loving everyone. It asks us to choose to understand.

Frequently asked questions about empathy in the workplace

How do you empathize with someone you don’t like?

Starting small. Find a single quality in that person and focus on it. Try to understand its reality, its pressures, its context. You don’t have to like someone to choose to understand them. And often, understanding changes the appreciation.

Can empathy be learned?

Yes. It is not a fixed personality trait. It is a relational skill that develops with practice. Concrete tricks such as the quadrant exercise or the questions to ask yourself in the middle of the interaction are ways to train this skill on a daily basis.

What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?

Sympathy is feeling what the other person feels. Empathy is understanding what the other person is feeling without necessarily experiencing it yourself. In management, empathy is more useful: it allows you to remain lucid while listening, without absorbing the emotions of the other.

Why is empathy important in management?

Because an empathetic manager understands their team’s needs better, de-escalates conflict faster, and creates an environment where people feel heard. The results follow. People don’t give their best for someone who doesn’t understand them.