Fall, the ongoing pandemic and the restrictions that continue to curtail freedom are some of the factors that can make your emotions more difficult to manage and accept these days.
In fact, no matter when you read this article, it’s probably because a context brings you there, for you, for someone else. No one is immune to a difficult period.
What if you had simple keys to better understand and manage your emotions? What if these keys allowed you to make peace with your emotions?
In this article I explain simply and briefly how emotions work and give you 3 keys to better manage them.
Emotions
First, your emotions act as a messenger. They want you to understand something, they want to show you something. My advice: listen to them.
If you are sad and you pretend not to be, it will only create discomfort for you. And if you don’t know how to deal with your unhappiness in a positive way, it can turn into addiction, frustration or unhappiness.
An emotion is not to be rationalized either. For example: you’re angry and someone says, “Calm down, it’s okay.” I bet your anger won’t leave 😉 you
You don’t rationalize an emotion. It’s useless. The part of your brain that is in action when you are under emotion, is not the same part of the brain that rationalizes. It’s like you’re in the basement and someone tells you about the 3rd floor and asks you to come and join them there without going through the stairs.
There are simple ways to manage your emotions and these tools are free and accessible to anyone who wants them!
So, let’s see 3 keys to managing your emotions:
1. Name them
As crazy as it may seem, naming your emotions will allow this part of the brain to be heard.
“This news makes me sad.”
“I feel frustrated today.”
“I feel misunderstood.”
Regardless, use your words, no judgment on why you feel this way. You have the right! But just naming them is not enough.
If you want to deal with your emotions in a positive way, don’t just name them and “pour them out” to someone and then hope that the whole situation is resolved.
To make peace with your emotions, you simply need tools and not stop there. Here they are.
2. Dissect what’s going on
Beneath the emotions, there are needs.
For example: a need to better control the situation, a need to be recognized, a need to move, a need for freedom, etc.
VERY IMPORTANT: A need is not a request.
During my trainings, participants often tell me: “I need my manager to be clearer”, or “I need a complete team” or “I need management to change its attitude”.
In short, you see? Requests…
A need is NOT a request to someone to have your problem resolved.
A need is personal. As long as you rely on others tending to your needs, you’re not managing your emotions effectively, and I bet those emotions will come up again.
It may not be easy to read, but yes, you do have responsibility for your emotions.
And you know what’s wonderful? It is that if you take responsibility for your emotions, you will be at peace with yourself in a lasting way. You will still have emotions of course, but you will have demystified the beast!
So what is a need if it is not an outward demand?
It sounds like, “I need …. »
-clarity;
-Focus;
– Connect with people
– Understand what’s going on
– a break.
So a need is personal and “internal”.
If you’re wondering how to find that need, you need a quiet moment.
Personally, I like to write down my feelings in a diary, because it gives me a lot of clarity. I invite you to try it! For others it is a walk in nature, driving, meditating.
Once you’ve put your finger on your need, you’re ready to move on to the next step: the solution.
3. Switch to solution mode
Going into solution mode simply means taking responsibility for meeting your needs.
Like what:
- I need clarity.
- Who can clarify this? My manager.
- I called him and asked him for details.
- I need to concentrate.
- What is my ideal environment to concentrate? My office. But my office is not available at the moment.
- How could I find a place to focus? For this particular job, I’m going to stay in the kitchen but I’m going to close Teams and inform my colleagues that for the next hour and a half I’m not available. I’m going to put on some music that allows me to be in my “bubble” and go, I concentrate.
- I need a break.
- I am tired. The team needs me, but I really need a break. What can I do?
- Don’t book myself an intense weekend of 6 hours of driving and 10 hours of hiking. I want nature, but I can go closer, let’s say 2 hours by car maximum and do a 4-5 hour hike.
- Don’t overtime this week and validate priorities with my manager.
- Bringing in caterers 3 times this week rather than cooking for the family will give me a great break!
- Etc…
- I am tired. The team needs me, but I really need a break. What can I do?
For your solutions, keep looking until you find it!!
In conclusion
You will see, if you follow these 3 keys, you will make peace with your emotions and will observe an inner peace.
Only if all three steps are present! This is the ultimate key.
Don’t: ignore your emotions, rationalize your emotions.
Do: name, dissect, solve.
Your emotions speak to you, listen to them!
To go further
- If you want to make it easier to manage other people’s emotions, help them name, dissect and solve!
- I really like the book “Emotional Agility” by Susan David. Subscribe to his monthly newsletter, it’s always great.
- Unique coaching has self-training on stress and emotion management, if you fancy a list of needs, vocabulary, more explanation about the brain and also how to better manage other people’s emotions, go! Here is the link to buy it.