Do the people around you know that you don’t like certain behaviors of your boss… but your boss—” Don’t you know? Would you… by chance… Need a difficult conversation with your boss?
In general, having difficult conversations can generate a certain amount of stress. … Whether it’s for fear of losing something or someone, self-confidence, letting go of the result, fear of looking bad…
Do you prefer the video format? There he is.
For example, consider the following situation: You find that your boss has a disrespectful attitude towards you.
If you’re holding back because you think you’ll lose your job by having this conversation, tell yourself that you still have at least 3 options.
- Endure the situation and continue to complain to your loved ones;
- Having the conversation, risking losing your job, but gaining respect for yourself;
- Not to endure, not to have the conversation and to change jobs.
Sharing learning from the field
When I started as a coach, many people consulted me for a career transition. They were no longer good at their work. By dint of digging a little, I often realized that in fact, these people had never mentioned their discomfort. And that by dint of living through a difficult situation at work, they were questioning their careers!
In reality, developing courage, leadership, self-confidence, and using the tools of difficult conversations was part of a healthier solution, in my opinion, than leaving and repeating the same pattern in another environment.
Of course, this was not the case for everyone, but it was true for the majority.
I share this story because I think you deserve to develop that skill of being able to address difficult situations with your bosses, despite the fears.
Being in perpetual questioning is anxiety-provoking! Building the courage to have difficult conversations is possible 😊
5 Steps to Have a Difficult Conversation with Your Immediate Manager
Step #1: Understand the source of your fear
Why are you hesitating or postponing the conversation with your boss?
Let’s say you’re afraid you won’t get a promotion and you don’t want to be a “problem” employee.
Now, to understand the source of your fear, imagine the worst. Yes, yes!
Think about what could happen if your fear comes true. Like what:
Your boss doesn’t give you the promotion you think you deserve because you’ve brought up a sensitive topic.
What are you going to do?
In a constructive way. So I’m not talking about: sadly curling up in a corner 😉, or going to complain, or gossiping.
I ask you what YOU can do? What actions would allow you to move towards a resolution of the situation?
You could go and ask the boss why you don’t have the promotion? Could you change jobs?
List the options and demystify it a bit.
This will give you more mental space to find the facts.
In summary, the first step to having a difficult conversation with your boss is:
- Understanding your fear
- Imagine the worst that could happen if it comes true
- Develop an action plan if the worst happens
You should feel some relief 😊
Step #2: List the facts related to the situation
What are the facts that illustrate a lack of respect for you?
- He arrives late to your meetings
- He interrupts you
- He never listens to your ideas
- He omits to tell you about certain files
- He hasn’t said hello in the morning for the past month
Be as concrete as possible in your examples.
When one of our values or a principle is achieved, it is not necessarily clear to others. The above behaviors can be associated with disrespect, but the list is endless and unique for each of us.
If you don’t feel respected, you need to explain what’s causing your feeling. The other person can’t guess it, even if, for you, the situation is obvious!
And you need to give detailed examples. So instead of saying:
– Stop disrespecting me
Say:
When you talk to me, you always look away, you seem to be in a hurry, sometimes you pick up your phone and answer an email. I don’t feel listened to, so not respected.
Step #3: Share your perceptions
Let’s say you think your boss is micromanaging you.
Rather than saying:
“I’d like to talk to you about your management style. I’ve never seen anyone micromanage so much! » …
And to end in a confrontation.
Share the facts AND then add your perception.
For example: “We meet 2 times a day to follow up. I’m the only person on the team you do this with. You also ask me to validate all my ideas with you before adding them to the project.
I don’t know why you’re doing this, but I wonder if you trust me. Is that the case? »
If you don’t start with the facts before sharing your perception, you risk the other person getting defensive.
And, at the same time, you need to share your perception and feelings. The two go hand in hand.
Step #4: Listen to the other person’s version
Maybe your manager has had a very bad experience in the past and it’s a very risky project for which he is under pressure from his own immediate supervisor.
Oh. It has nothing to do with you, but more with him.
It could also be that you’ve made several mistakes in the last few projects, that he doesn’t see the fixes, and that he fears that this risky project will go wrong.
You won’t know until you listen to his point of view openly and ask the question!
Get out of your scenarios and dare to discuss 😊
Step #5: Find Common Ground
After exchanging, a conclusion will be needed.
Ideally, you will have thought of solutions to make proposals as a starting point.
Don’t hesitate to set up a new way of doing things and to revise it.
Test and adjust!
To do this, you will need a follow-up.
I suggest you plan it after a few days. Go for a coffee or discuss it in your one-on-one meeting with your manager. Ask him how he feels about what you have put in place, and also share what you think about it, what you feel.
Make a new agreement for the following week.
Before concluding, pay attention to two elements
1. Tackle one topic at a time
Don’t wait until you’ve accumulated several points to discuss. This could be cumbersome. I invite you to share one element at a time, and to intervene as you go.
If the situation means that you have 3 subjects:
- be structured,
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
One person wants to discuss 3 big topics with you, and the situation has been dragging on for several months. It’s a lot at once and it can cause surprise. Your conversation will be more complex. In any case, know how to communicate and welcome emotions.
2. Habits can come back at full gallop
If past behaviors recur, talk about it immediately. Often, under the effect of stress, fearful or protective behaviors return.
Just be curious, while asking the facts: “For a week, you started asking me for 2 follow-ups a day. Can you help me understand what’s going on? »
In conclusion
Try to understand the source of your fear so that you can have a difficult conversation. It will give you courage!
Then, stay objective – share facts and perceptions by dividing the two! Listen to the other. Stay curious. Make an agreement and follow up if the situation happens again.
I encourage you to dare! Get out of your comfort zone and stand for yourself, your values and principles, while being respectful of others’ opinions and differences.
You may be interested in this video on the comfort zone, as well as this self-training on communications in difficult situations.