What is a good boss? I came across the following sentence twice in one week: “People leave managers not companies. If you have a turnover problem, look first to your manager.” Although Gallup created this phrase a few years ago,Google confirms that it is still relevant, and above all, this quote challenges me.
I like to have debates about “What is a good boss?” Like many people, I have experienced some bosses (badly).
By the way, I have my opinion on the characteristics of good or not so good bosses, and I’m not the only one: the Internet is full of articles on this subject. Instead, I want to tell you about an experience that completely changed the dynamics of my team, which allowed me to deliver better results as well as to evolve personally.
Sharing personal experience
I had just been appointed to a management position. Thanks to a conflictual relationship with an employee, I realized that I had to get out of problem solving mode…
What I mean by “problem solving” mode is that my brain was analyzing, researching, and defining the problem WHILE people were talking to me. Once they were done, I would launch my solution with pride. That’s what people had always appreciated about me: finding solutions and delivering!
I was no different from this person who came to my office regularly. Moreover, I didn’t see what she was getting at and I didn’t know what to do. To be even more honest, I thought I was listening, because I was working hard to find a solution. Above all, I didn’t understand why our relationship wasn’t improving.
At one point, I asked for advice and I received: “You just have to listen, this person doesn’t want a solution, they want to talk with you”. I had never understood that we could have this need to discuss and develop a relationship at work. I also realized that I often did the same thing with my own boss and that the times he pushed me a solution, I came out frustrated.
Now, years later, I can tell you that I hadn’t yet understood the full scope of this new light, but I had certainly taken a giant leap forward!
So, I went looking for ways to unplug my brain from this mode. I read, I questioned, I tested – with this person, and then with others. Finally, I came to be more empathetic and also to share personal elements with my workplace (which I did little or not at all).
A few tips to be more empathetic and become a better or even a good boss:
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- Trying to understand the background of the story: it is often enough to ask questions about the context and to rephrase what the other person is telling us.
- Focus on understanding the substance, not looking for a solution.
- Understand the emotions and values being achieved: “This must be frustrating” or “I understand how much you would like your team to be recognized for their contribution” or “I see that you used your good judgment.”
Example: A team leader comes to complain about another team leader who gets all the credit for a file, but who, according to him, has worked half as much. You are the boss, which of these two interventions would allow you to create a better relationship?
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- “Calm down, go talk to your colleague and find a solution.”
- “You have the courage to come and talk to me about it. I understand that fairness is important to you. What are the options you see from here? »
To see more details on how to develop your empathy and create a better relationship with your boss, a colleague or a loved one, I invite you to read the article ” Empathy, when you don’t feel like it “.
How do you feel when you share personal information and the other person, while empathetic, doesn’t share anything with you? Shouldn’t a good boss know how to communicate with empathy?
A leader might think that in his position, he must be (or look) perfect. The problem is that it’s difficult to get into a relationship with someone perfect… You have a life, flaws and needs too. Thus, not communicating or acknowledging them does not contribute to creating a relationship. I’m not saying you have to talk about your private life. However, you can share your professional experiences or discuss a common point (family, travel, your home village, your hobby, etc.). Be personal by aiming to open a channel of communication towards the achievement of a common goal, not to forge friendships.
Example: A project manager starts a project with a team he knows. He meets with each member individually. You are that project manager, which of these two interventions would allow you to create a better relationship?
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- What are the points you would like to develop in particular about this project?
- In this new project, I would like to improve my impact analysis on the XYZ department. For your part, what are the points you would like to develop particularly on this project?
Is it contradictory to the role of a manager to create a relationship with your team? Shouldn’t a good boss have a good relationship with his team?
My personal experience as a manager leads me to answer that difficult messages are a thousand times easier to get across when you have created this channel of trust with the other person. I was able to give difficult feedback, in a direct style, to people who even thanked me for it. If you have a trusting relationship, why would that person be frustrated with your comments? She knows you, you know her and you understand your respective roles.
To make difficult conversations easier, take the Communicate Differently online training. The training manual includes scripts for difficult conversations that may help.
Conclusion
In conclusion, my advice on being a good boss is very simple: be open and learn all the time. For my part, I thank the faults of my bosses, because they have contributed to what I have become. I won’t make you think I’m perfect! I continue to learn every day, for the rest of my life. That’s my commitment as a coach.
Being a manager is not an easy job. You have to live it. Even the greatest theorist of management says it (Mintzberg): management is learned on the job. I tell you: get support from a coach, you will be successful faster!