What if there was a way to talk about “real” business in a constructive way and for the good of all? Many people are afraid to speak their minds, because often the consequences of speaking out are worse than enduring the problem. Finally… is often believed, wrongly.
Lately, I have read and heard several interesting examples and at all levels: nurses who did not dare to denounce certain colleagues who did not follow the rules of safety/hygiene for patients, programmers who did not dare to tell the project manager that they did not see how they could deliver the project one day.
If you think that holding back from speaking out is wiser and less risky than saying it, it may be because you have experienced consequences to your “honesty” or have seen it as a witness.
If you have fears, you may be running out of tools. How much stress, time and money can be saved if we can prevent problems before they become disasters?
1- Take stock of the real problem
If your teammate is late and it’s causing you stress, what’s the real problem? The fact that he is late? The fact that it also makes you late? The fact that you lose confidence in him?
Signs that you are not on the right issue:
- the solution put in place still does not suit you;
- You often discuss the same problem.
- You become more and more frustrated.
2- Prepare yourself
If you think the situation is circumstantial, it may not be the right battle. If, on the other hand, it is a situation that happens again, it probably is. Take it for a test below and if you answer yes to at least one of these four questions, it’s a sign that talking will take a lot of stress off your shoulders.
- Does your dissatisfaction come from a broken promise?
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Is your inner frustration starting to show on the outside (non-verbal, sarcasm)?
- Does your intuition keep telling you to talk about it but a voice tells you that “you can’t say that!”?
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Do you want to talk, but just don’t know how to go about being successful?
A few tips to prepare.
- Put yourself in a respectful frame of mind, you will be talking to a human equal to you, not to a moron or a god.
- Find the best approach in your introduction considering the person’s context. What can reassure the person if you think they will be defensive?
If emotions are at play, you will like the article on How to communicate your emotions?
3- Have a discussion
- Don’t beat around the bush, don’t manipulate, just go for it, in good faith and in a spirit of equals who want to solve a problem and who are open to solutions.
- Ask for permission to discuss.
- Go gradually, if it’s the first time you’ve had this kind of discussion with the person, stick to the facts, the second time talk about the pattern and the third time about the relationship. In general, the more the problem recurs, the more it leaves after-effects.
- Report facts and bring back the consequences that it has on you.
- End with a question to validate your point of view.
4- Follow up
Tracking is used to show that the conversation is important to you. To demonstrate this concretely, really follow up on the solutions considered.
In conclusion
If you take the trouble to talk about the real problem, are in good faith and respectful, prepare yourself by considering the other person and follow up, the chances of having negative consequences are almost nil.
What are the costs of not talking?
- By not saying anything about a situation that bothers you, or about a broken promise, you are giving your authorization to this behavior.
- By accepting situations that don’t suit us (the real problems) you keep the status quo in unsatisfactory relationships (an authoritarian boss, negative friendships or romantic relationships for you)… in fact you are depriving yourself of something better!
What are the benefits of talking?
- Create more positive, constructive, and satisfying relationships.
- Be happier.
- To have a job that we like more.